–noun
1.anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.
2.the faculty or act of apprehending, esp. intuitive understanding; perception on a direct and immediate level.
3.acceptance of or receptivity to information without passing judgment on its validity, often without complete comprehension.
intuitive understanding. is that everything that I am? I intuitively know that shit with shiny will never work out. I intuitively know that I am going to be single for a while. I intuitively know that things are going to get bad again. I intuitively know that this will be a lonely winter.
I've been wrong before. It'd be nice to have someone to hold as the snow blows. I'd like to build a fort. I'd like to be in love. but I intuitively know that I'm not ready.Shiny is damned in my mind for giving me hope and then going away. He is damned for leaving me and then leaving me completely. He is damned for not dealing with his shit and the shit he's piled on me.
And I am damned by damning him.
Lately I have been having flashes of comprehension. I get so angry and hurt, and then I realize that the thing I'm missing is those that came before. Ex-otter. I miss him a lot. And I hate him too.
I have never been able to leave and not look back.
people have tried to say that I love conditionally, but it isn't true. When I love someone, they seep into me. They infiltrate every part of my day. I can't do anything without thinking about them. they are what I live for, even when I get angry. everything I do, I want them to do, too.
I want to be empty of all others.
I'm tired of living with these ghosts and half-dreams.
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