When did home become a state of mind and not a place? Wait, I mean when did it just become where I sleep and not where my heart remains?
Heating my apartment with the oven instead of my space heater. Making my space into more than one area; making room for the memories I brought back with me. There's a lot I want to say that I didn't get the chance to articulate. Do you mind if I try? Just for a minute; a paragraph; a moment that won't take a bit of your effort?
When I left it was a break in time. There were finals and stress and that last fucking project. I still have dreams about not writing a paper that was due. I got an A anyway but I don't know how in my head. "Hey, how'd you do in ___'s class?" "A-." "Nice!"
I, i i i i i ---
I left here in a mess, with a mess. I spent the night cleaning up the living room but I left my own room a disaster. This is how we work when we get older. We clean up for the people around us, not for ourselves. Tell me more about how you used to be. Tell me more of what you left behind.
I left here in a mess, stayed up way too late so I could fly away. Spent 8 hours traveling so I could get back to Heaven. I found green and people with beards and sex and love and maybe everything I met there just stayed when I left. Maybe some things you can't leave behind.
The world out there is different from home. My life is grey and sepia-toned. There was green and when the color started to leech out I figured "Why not just be home?" and away I flew, back to real life. Life was getting too real out there in Florida. Too many things from here were seeping into there. Unreciprocated want, competition, illness, and stupid drama. A feverish night changed everything. That was my breaking point, tossing and turning in the hospital, alone for hours.
I had to leave.
I was disappointed because I didn't have an epiphany like I did last year.
I don't want to want anymore. I'm not sure if I do. Everyone I meet ends up being not quite right. Did you know that? How can I get anywhere when everyone else is staying still?
Follow different paths. Try new places. But where ever I go, I am still me. I am still myself. I follow me around like a dog and its tail. I follow me around like a shadow in the afternoon. I am trying to figure out what my comfort is. Here I am in ridiculous dresses. Here I am wearing my utility belt. Here I am with normal hair and I think, "does this even matter anymore?"
I miss the people that used to call me beautiful. I miss the people that loved the way I looked. I miss the people that I'd talk to late into the night and hold until we fell asleep or maybe turned away from just so I wouldn't stay awake. I miss people but in the end it doesn't matter. It doesn't. I like how I look. So fuck the rest of you. Fuck all y'all.
And I don't want to look anymore for someone that isn't there. I don't want to want what doesn't want me back. I just want to dance by myself and not give a fuck about who is watching.
Look.
I'm me.
And this is all I'll ever be.
I just gotta get used to it. No one's ever told me I couldn't be the person that I am. I've been putting the words in their mouths. I've taken my doubt and attributed it to other people. So tired of my insecurity. Hey. Things are ok and this is what I learned in Florida -- there's always gonna be someone who loves you like there will always be someone who doesn't. So why worry?
In the end it doesn't matter who's on your side as long as there's someone. And if there isn't then you better make sure you believe strongly in what you're defending.
Don't love just to love unless you can handle being alone. Can I box myself off like I've seen these Leos do? Can I ever snare the impossible man? Do I care?
The people that say "hey" you better say "hey" back to because there may be a time when no one will talk to you anymore.
Can I be careful?
Oh baby, I've only ever been myself. I can only be myself. And I don't want to tell me to be anyone else anymore.
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