longing I could do without

"How's your love life?"
"Non-existent. Utterly."
"You happy though?"
"Yes."

I said it immediately. No pause. Am I happy? Yes. I saw my therapist today. "You seem very calm." "I'm tired." But it's true. I've been calmer since I came back. I've felt different.
I split myself into sections. Yes, I believe in gradual change. That is natural. Sometimes, though, it is more immediate than that. Sometimes you go away (physically, mentally, spiritually, whateverly) and when you come back things just aren't the same.
"Viva's not my friend anymore. It's ok, though. It doesn't matter. I mean I'm sad, but it's alright."
It doesn't matter like it would have in the past. I've always had a lot of trouble letting go. Was this a long time coming? Sometimes I get tired of the yo-yo of my interactions. Lately if it's over then I'd rather just have it be over.

But every once in a while I see a beautiful person and I ache. It's the cadence of a voice, a look in the eyes, gestures of the hands. It's these desires I can't erase.
And I guess I miss being part of someone.
And I guess I miss sharing my joys and sorrows with someone intricately connected to my life.
And I guess I miss listening to someone's heart beat.
And I guess I miss feeling someone breathe in time with me.
And I guess I miss having what seems to be a sure thing.
And I guess I miss coming home to someone.

I still think about our house in York. How simple things were. My art on the walls. Our fake altar. The computer room. The freezing third-floor bedroom. Creating things without compromising myself or my time. I was so comfortable with him. He was so supportive. When I was with ex-otter, I rarely created. Von and I would make things sometimes, but usually we just hung out.
I want someone to create things with me. I want a collaborator. I want a partner. In crime, in life, in art, in everything.

This is what I think about when I see long slender fingers. This is what I think about when I see work-worn skin. When hands weave pictures in the air, I wish they were sketching them for me.
I want someone to model for me.
I want someone to love.

And it's ok that this will take a long time to find.
No one ever said this shit was easy.