I sent it to hell but it came back with "no such address"

Another day spent on my illness. not as many hours in the hospital this time.
I have been rather tentatively diagnosed with pelvic inflammatory disease. they say it is often caused by bacteria that is common in gonorrhea and chlamydia. as far as I know, I do not have either of these. As far as I know, I have never had a sexually transmitted disease/infection.
But what if I did?
I run through the scenarios in my head. How far back do I have to go in terms of partner notification? Since my last check up over the summer? Or must I reach back even further?
and of course, no matter how I look at it, I'd have to notify Pants. I don't give a fuck about telling anyone else. But the thought of having to get in touch with him to say that maybe he has an STD ... fuck, I don't even know who I would have gotten it from.
I wonder how I would do it. Would I write him an email? Would I contact a mutual friend, asking them to have him call me?
I beat back the part of my brain that seeks an excuse to talk to him. I just want this to be over with. All of it. Everything. I don't want this sickness in my body or my heart. I don't want to want someone that treats me the way he did.
His apology helps, yes, but it isn't helpful now. I just want him to hold me. It's all a stupid fantasy. I want to rip it out of me. I can't. I don't know how.
Can I make a picture to express this? Can I find some other way to let this out? I found letters I wrote to him in class. I filed them away. Where do I put them? I burnt everything else. I should burn them too.

Last year I told ex-otter that I could see us meeting at Neutaconkanut Hill and burning things. I said I saw it in the spring or summer. It didn't happen then. I can't see anything now. I have thought about going there. I have thought about having a fire. I have thought about a lot of things, and not done just as many.

Broken pieces. sweep them into the dustpan. there are always more to find later, though. so impossible to get them all at once. all the shards just winking in the light, and there are always more to find.
these memories I forgot to purge. these dreams I held onto for far too long. I can't unhook the barb in my heart. can't get them out of my brain.
who would wish for an STD just for an excuse to contact a former lover? A crazy person, right? Fuck. I don't want chlamydia or gonorrhea. that's just messed up.
But I do want Pants.
Goddamn this wretched heart.