I lost all the words I wanted to say

Hanging out with Nist, wondering outloud why he doesn't cuddle me. It doesn't matter that much. I just like him and feel comfortable and I could use the physical contact. Let's attempt some honesty. Nothing's going to happen between us.
I've spent too much memory reminiscing about the time I've spent with Pants. I have put too much effort into contemplating my love. There is nothing I can do now that I have not already done. He cut himself out of my life. All that's left is the ghost sensation of him on me and the retinal burn left over from his eyes.
That's what I remember most. His eyes. Something hard about them. Something rare and raw and overwhelming. I loved to watch him watch me. I loved to kneel down in front of him and look up at his face as it tilted down to view me. I loved to love him even though I knew it was bad for me. I loved it because I knew that I could save him if he'd just let me in.
He almost did. He started to. Then he closed the door again.

All the things I wanted to express leaked out of me.
All I have are these dreams.
All I have are feelings.
I want to call him as I huddle under the covers. I want to tell him about my days. I want to hear his voice and his replies. I want him to love me. I want him to care. I miss the effect his caring had on the sound of his voice.

He unfriended me on facebook after I wrote about how I love him (unnamed). He's done with me and I expect it to hurt more than it does. I guess it's just that it wasn't that much of a surprise. Things couldn't continue the way they were going. It was either leave me completely or let me back in.
If he let me back in he risked changing.
I don't think he's ready for that.
I hope I hear from him again someday.
My therapist said it was an abusive relationship.
This is the first time it was me being abused.