some days are harder than others

looking for a plastic bag yesterday to protect my things from the rain. I found one that had red nail polish, fake nails, and my zombie make up in it. The nail stuff was a friend's from Halloween. I remembered that he'd asked me to help him with a costume. I'd originally agreed but had to back out at the last minute? Why? Why did I have to? Oh yeah. Because dru died.
There was the sadness again and me alone with Luca, unsure of what to do. I can't cry anymore. Not the way I used to. There are no more sobs. Just an ache and a little despair. It was a hard time and now it and almost everything connected to it are gone. Physically at least. The memory remains.
I still have a shirt and a pair of pants ex-otter let me pick out from dru's clothes. I have a mirror and dru's old TV. I hate ex-otter right now for leaving me. I hate dru for dying. I hate deafgirl for taking advantage of the situation. I hurt, so I write, and I feel a little better. I always hurt again. But it lessens with time.

"Don't you think some good has come of the break up?" Well, yes. Of course. It's so hard to admit that because I fought and fought against it. Contemplated suicide multiple times. Cried everyday for months. Ran away to Florida. Missed class. How is this real? After every that has happened, how do I know that anything is real?

"What do you do when you feel the sadness?" I write. I tell myself that being angry and sad and hateful doesn't help anything. It doesn't get me anywhere but stuck. I know my feelings are getting muddled more because of Steel. I know it and it's fine and if it wasn't happening now, the same thing would be happening months down the line. I just miss him.

Sometimes I hate this life I fell into, despite it being much better than the one I had before. I hate it because something was ripped from me and I can't get it back. I can't do anything about it. I am powerless. I am afraid to plan things with people. I don't want to wait for every one to eventually leave me. I don't want to think that will happen. It's hard to change these ingrained habits; especially when they've proven themselves to be true over and over. I don't want to feel this way.

I keep trying to take steps to less negative living, but every so often the cynicism returns. I miss what I had and it is gone. It will always be gone. It will never come back. It is dead, as dead as dru. As dead as the person his brother used to be. As dead as the person I was once. Dead dead dead.

There are things that hurt to think about. Things I can't tell anyone yet. When the time comes, who will have the willing ear?

When the time comes, will it still matter?

it's the place where you weren't aware

There is a stillness inside of me that I can not reach. I don't know what it means. I don't know what it can do. It is a numb patch that will never heal. Steel said, "you've been through a lot in the past decade." I nodded and didn't elaborate because there's a time and a place and sometimes neither can be found.
I dreamt again about my hate. I told my therapist and she said, "why do you think you direct your anger towards her?" Because she knew better. Because she took advantage of a person that was utterly broken. Because she planned it. Because I hate her and I can't stop and I am ashamed.

I said in therapy, "sometimes I feel myself pushing Steel away. Sometimes I want to just get up and run away, screaming." That's normal, apparently. People talk about my hurt, my hurt, my hurt. I thought this was normal. Doesn't everyone get pulverized by someone they love? Isn't everyone crushed at some point? My chest was demolished. My ribs have been patched. Everything else is bandages and stitches and time. Everything else is granules to be expelled so the new parts can grow in. Clean me out. Sweep it away. I am dry and empty and my blood is dust. Sometimes I still forget to feel.

There is the numb part that scares me. It tingles, it shines, it throbs when it rains. Sometimes Steel strokes it and it soothes; sometimes it burns with memory. I cannot unlive what has been done. I cannot unravel the mess. I analyze every word. I see all the meanings behind flippant phrases. I know what you are feeling, but you do not read me with the same cognizance. You know though, you just don't know that you know. If someone killed part of you, you'd understand. You'd open that section. But I don't know how else to to show you. You need trauma to discover yourself. Sometimes that never comes.

There are good parts of my life I'd rather have never discovered if it meant I could have avoided the past eight months. There are so many things I wouldn't have now. I don't think anyone understands the depth of the emotion I felt for ex-otter. The roots have grown through me. The plant has been killed but the dead parts are impossible to extract without causing damage. Why could he uproot me so easily? Why won't I stop dreaming of him?
I want it to be over. Some days it feels like it is. But these rainy days kill me. They get inside and water the parts that shouldn't be alive anymore. Those bits stir. and they grow. and I hurt all over again.

Steel, I don't know how to explain things. I don't need to right now. I need to step back but the thing is, I don't thinkg you'll notice. I'm stepping back inside of myself. Trying to unpack the last of my baggage. I don't need it anymore. You said you would have to teach me an instrument if I was going to live on the bus. So far I've tried to avoid any mention of a future. I know you were kidding but I still thought it over. I can't respond to things like that right now. I can't even joke about it.

Again, I want to end on a positive note. This is good for me, dating Steel. It's good to date someone who is similar to me on a fundamental level (even if he doesn't realize it, apparently) but still different enough to be interesting. I'm curious to see who I am now. I'm curious to see where it goes. I like to wake up next to him. I like the way he kisses me. He's a romantic. I could use that right now.

turning the bike around

I don't know how to say these things without being melancholy. That's how I feel right now, though. Yes, I have been working on being more positive (or at least less negative). Yes, I have been focusing on living my life and making it full. Yes, I have been trying to be happy. I've been succeeding for the most part. There will always be times when I don't. Can't be happy all the time.

I came home exhausted tonight. Sighed through the door, scattering my cat. She trilled at me. I coaxed her into her room, sat on the chair and pet her. I knew that I needed to cry. I knew I was missing ex-otter.
A lot of things still don't feel real. A deaf person came into the library today. I activated her college ID. I spoke directly to her, making eye contact. The man that was with her still had to sign everything, but I knew I would have felt like shit if I'd talked to him like she wasn't there. You know, like she couldn't hear. Even though she couldn't. Her deafness was obviously much more severe than deafgirl's. Ex-otter's deafgirl. I wonder if he signs for her when they go out. I wonder if he misses me.
I don't know who he would be if I saw him now. I'm just learning who I am. Sometimes it still feels too soon to be dating. Sometimes it feels like it's exactly what I need.

Occasionally I hate him. I don't think it's really hate. I think it's a pain so intense I don't know how else to label it. It goes beyond hurt. A part of me still is, and may always be, missing. Wish I could defrag. Stick all the empty space together. Ex-husband took a piece of me too. Never grew back. How much is left to give?
It feels endless. Like the love and the pain aren't even connected all the time. The love can be infinite and unconditional (ex-otter said I loved conditionally .. will I still?), just like the hurt. There's that dead spot inside where the nerves got damaged. Just waiting to see if the numbness is permanent. Wondering how long it will take to find out.

The melancholy has never given me anything but pretty words and sad pictures. The words aren't worth it and the pictures hurt too much. "Why do you want to remember?" Because it's the last piece I have of them. It is strictly mine and no one can take it away. Not even the person who dealt it. Not at first, anyway.

I want to end on a positive note. I want to say that even now, when I am sad and feel lonely, I still have hope for the future. For my future. I love college and learning. I love my job. I love my cat. I love my roommate. I have a bicycle, and Steel, and friends. I get along with my family. I have a family. No one that I know and love is dead. I am not dead. I am alive. It is spring. It is beautiful. I am healthy. I am loved.

Life is fine.

variations on a theme

I love waking up to his intent gaze. For a moment I see seriousness in his face, but when my eyes open his smile blooms. It is amazing. It always catches me off guard, even when I can feel him watching me before I look.
I never get used to people finding me attractive. I never get used to gazes made in desire rather than disgust. I never get used to the positive attention. I can't. I say I am beautiful but there is always that part inside that says, "no."
I like leaving room for doubt. Beauty is so subjective. I think that I am many things but that doesn't make it true. I think that I am, but I don't know it. Knowledge comes by other means.
I want to make a list of things that I adore about him. In no particular order, here they are:
his laugh
his smile
his eyes and how they crinkle when he's happy
his ability to laugh at himself. and me
how beautifully he plays stringed instruments
his comfort with guitar
his hands
his jaw
his ribs
the little noises he makes when he holds me
his smell
his legs
his chest
the freckle in his ear
our understanding of each other
his self-awareness
his manners
his self-restraint
his intelligence
his teeth
his sincerity
his sense of humour
his taste in music

oh god, so many other things.. so many. I want romance and passion and joy and honesty. I want an open book. I want to understand someone at a base level. I think I'm getting that right now, but it's so easy to feel that early on. I am trying to not be swept away but it's so hard. Our schedules intervene and for that I'm thankful. We are forced into moderation by necessity. In a month, it will be by distance.
I don't think he was made to sit still for too long. He said he loves to tour, and I understand that. I do too. But I don't tour with a band; I tour any way that I can. I think he is devoted. I think he is wonderful.

I don't want to let sad thoughts intercede. I don't want to wait for something bad to happen. I want to just enjoy this as I have it, for as long as it lasts, for as long as that is. I don't even want to think about how long that could be. I just want to be present. I want to be here.

I want to let go.

split infinitives

To change. Changed. Changing. Will change. Have changed. Can change. Is willing to change.
To be willing to change.

He said, "I can't deal with the amount of control you need to exert." and I stopped. My therapist said, "he called you out!" and she was right. I said, "I don't want to be controlling." I don't. I never have.
I am what I am but I don't want to be that. I don't want to want to control. Most of the time it's disguised as some other need. Or it shrouds itself in anxiety, so my main goal is to ease it. Unfortunately, the way to ease is to control. Let's be honest here. Does the anxiety ever go away anyway?
I mean, yeah. Sometimes it does. But it's from letting go of control, not from tightening it.

I remember, camo wanted someone to save him. But you're not gonna stop drowning by letting yourself sink to the bottom of the ocean. You have to move your own limbs; no one's going to do it for you. Camo makes a beautiful ship wreck. Me, I'd rather be pulled in by the tide; deposited on the beach; live to see another swim.

No one can save me. All they can do is give me feedback.

anger will not cease

I dreamt entirely about ex-otter and deafgirl last night. There was violence. There was heartache. Bones was there too, and her coworkers were angry at me. The dream started with me staying with her. When I left, I went to ex-otter. And from him, came deafgirl. I threw sand in her face.

I hate these dreams. I know it's happening because steel and I are outlining our relationship more. I find myself thinking back to ex-otter, wondering useless things like, "what if I could have been like this for him?" But it's over. It doesn't matter. All that's left of it for me is the anger and pain. All I have is myself.
I don't want to dream about fighting while I'm sleeping next to someone great. I don't want to even think about ex-otter or deafgirl. I don't want to be angry.

I just want to live.

new shoots

My roommate bought plants this past weekend. We're going to have fresh tomatoes and herbs this summer. I am going to share the rooftop with something living. I plan on spending a lot of time on the roof this summer, staring at the stars and the clouds. Depending, of course, on the time.

It's beautiful out today. Every day has been beautiful lately. Last night Steel told me that he couldn't tell if I didn't understand addiction or if I understood it too well. "Both," I said, and we talked about it.
We talked for a while and he is so gentle to me. He bends but doesn't break. Somehow we fit together. He can feel me in a way I'm not used to. I finally know what I am like in that regard. It's eerie and wonderful.

I am happy today. There is always a hidden twinge inside me that keeps hold of the darkness and pain, but lately all the good has been smothering it. "It's not my problem anymore."
and he said, "you feel things so deeply." Everything effects me. Every mention of death or drug addiction hurts me personally. I am trying to get over that. It is a difficult process. In order to let go of dru, I have to let go of ex-otter. And vice versa. I don't even know where to start. It is a knot that is too tangled to work through systematically. I end up picking at random places until I can get a loose spot. Then I unravel it, slowly, until I reach another impossible spot. Pick, loosen, stop, move, pick, loosen, stop, move. Do you see it? This is not something I can work through with any semblance of order.

I want to embrace uncertainty. It is terrifying to me. but I'm trying, I'm trying.

What if I actually become the person I've always wanted to be?

a list

things that (have and can) save me:
art
music
writing
bicycles

beauty
potential
passion
love
sunlight
laughter
touch
time
ocean
companionship
understanding

self-awareness

divergence

I said, "I saw his dad on Friday. I cried."
look, this is why. I miss his family, yes. but I still cannot deal with death. If I think too much about his dead brother, then everything surrounding that incident wells up and chokes me. I cannot breathe and I start to feel my heart beat out of sync with the rest of my body. I have to close it off. I have reached my plateau. This is as far as my legs can carry me. Any higher up and my lungs will collapse. I'll spew blood instead of carbon dioxide and my knees will hit rock and I will tumble and tumble and be irretrievable. Do you understand?

Do you know what I'm saying?

I cried, and I said, "I miss you guys so much. No one ever told me what he died from. How did he die?" It was alcohol and methadone. And his dad said, "I don't know what he was thinking." It doesn't matter. He started a chain reaction that has yet to reach its conclusion. It may never get there. This is the alternate reality pushed so far over that the people changed by it most actually notice. Those on the fringe feel a whisper, but those of us in the middle are entirely unsettled. It's like wearing sound-dampening headphones in the middle of an air raid. Those people who are still on the regular path hear nothing. But those of us who have been shifted have had our hearing violently restored. Nothing can deaden that sound. So we are all just dealing, slowly going deaf. I have reached the point where my hands over my ears are enough. But I am not yet ready to face the noise full force.

There is no way to know where I am going. I was pushed off my nice paved path onto one made by deer. It's thin and rambles. I can't see where it's going. But I'm pushing the branches out of my way and finding places to put my feet. Sometimes I glimpse the one that was mine before, but there's always some barrier in the way. It hurts. But I continue. What else will I do? Sit down and weep? Complain? There is no place to go now but forward. There are no other forks in the road.

Yes, I still hurt. I have more ways to ease the pain now. I have my friends. I have my cat. I have a love interest. I don't know where that is going, I don't know what it means. All I know is that he makes me flutter inside. I get light headed when I think about being with him. His laugh brings me joy; his eyes make me smile. Everything feels new again. I am holding myself back and somehow it feels wonderful.

What else can I do? Once upon a time this life wasn't even an option. Now it's all I have, and I'm going to make it goddamn worthwhile.

inevitable

This is new and it is so wonderful. I want to lose myself in the melody of your laughter. I want everything but you to fade away.

Oh, I think that I could let myself trust you. The tenderness of your fingers between mine. Waking up to your smile. Your eyes. Your beautiful eyes.
I am pushing away the negativity and trying to just enjoy this. Even if it all ends, I am learning from you. "I think I'm more patient than you." Well baby, like I said, it isn't hard. But there is one way in which I am more patient -- I am not pushing to see you. I want, but I can hold back for now. Because I know this is how it has to be. Yes, I try to put aside the fear, but I also know the best way to fuck up is to go too far too fast. I have lived it. I have seen it. I do not want that ever again.
I find myself trying to inundate myself in your presence when you are not around. I look for bands that you have played with and listen for the dobro or the lap steel. I listen to the guitar. I wish you were a singer so I could hear your voice. I would rather have you here with me, playing. I would rather have you here, your arms around me. but that's not where we are right now. that's not where we can be.
Oh. I do not want to be sad. I cannot. I am smitten with your smile. I want to record your laugh. Feel your fingers barely touching me; listen to you breathe against my neck. I have so much hope right now. Sometimes I even forget that I am still a little broken.
Be here. Be present. Be alive. Let this newness thrive. Be beside me but not too close. I want you. I want you. I want you.

gusher

oh,
I want to show you my bruises. pull down my defenses and say, "look, here is where I was hit. here is where it hurts; but only when it's touched." I want to point out every scrape and scar. I want you to know where I came from; where I'm coming from. I want you to know that I'm tougher than my injuries. I survive them. I can overcome.

I'll draw you comics of my days. Look at where I've been! Look at what I've done. I can smell you on the memory of my skin. I can taste you. I still hear your breath against my ear. Your hands on my wrists as you pull me down.

I want to show you my bruises. I want you to understand what I do. I am accident prone both physically and emotionally. I have survived so much. I said, "I have trouble trusting people," and you said, "I had a feeling it was something like that." You knew. You knew because I knew. You know without knowing just as I feel without knowing. I know what you feel. You feel what I know. Is that too obvious? Is this too trite?

I know what slow is. I am gnawing at my restraints. I want to take off. With you. I want to let go of everything that is behind me. I want your werewolf teeth and the wrinkles 'round your eyes. I want so desperately. My heart has started aching in a new way. In that healing way. Like the itch beneath the skin of a healing wound. I can feel you penetrate my pain and soothe it. I can feel you all around me.

Fuck.

I hope you don't read this.

wants

I want these days to be further apart. I want to be more convincing. I want to believe that what I'm doing is healthy and not just some way to ease the loneliness.
But I haven't felt this way about someone in a while -- two years? Year and a half? Since my ex-otter swept me away. And this one, well, he makes a lot more sense to me. I want to hold my body against his and breathe. I want to sleep on his chest and feel his gentle hands softly move across my back. I want to listen to his heart beat and sigh. I want that sigh.
But I have to be sure I'm not using this to bury the pain. There is such a thing as "right place, wrong time." I know, because it's the story of every relationship I've had. This feels better somehow, but I still must be cautious. It's frightening. I feel when I'm around him. But it might be too soon.
Don't want to miss an opportunity. But can't the opportunity stay? My heart is light and leaden at the same time. Equal parts float and sink. I don't know how to be casual with him. I just want it all.
Wanting things I could have is much more terrifying than the want of the unreachable.

What if I actually manage to be happy?

maybe a beginning

I want to kiss you again and put my face against your neck. I want to feel the sweat in your hair and the strength in your legs. I want your denim lightly beneath my fingers. I want your eyes. I want your smile.

I want to kiss you again and it scares me. This is a new want and I'm not sure how to handle it. I want your lips quivering beneath mine and your tongue softly darting and your hands holding my waist while we breathe. I want to feel you.

I want you riding your bike beside me. I want you to watch me with fear from the road as I climb across a bridge, getting my hands rusty. I want to sit down and feel you sit much closer to me than friends do. I want that uncertainty. I want the excitement.

You teased me in the right way. I was so surprised by your words and my lack of offense. You got my jokes. You understood them. What would it be like if we fought? How would it get resolved? Would you hold my hand in public? Would you kiss the top of my head?

This is confusing, and I said, "perhaps I'm over-thinking things." There are so many people now that would be beside me. I am not used to this attention. I do not want to be caught up. I don't want to belong to anyone, or hold anyone too close.
How much is how I feel and how much is how I want to feel? How much is real and how much is loneliness?

I feel giddy when I think about him.
It's nice.
I don't want to be scared.

observation

two greatest loves. two greatest disappointments. both eventually led to betrayal.

and last night they combined; melded into one dream. come back, live with me, share my room, but do not love me. he did not love me. I was a last resort. I was convenient.
the disappointment. my inability to keep any distance. he was distracting. it had been four years. I still love him. I still want to be near him. five months. I still love him. I still want to be with him.

but I don't.

greatest loves; greatest failures. I've had two chances. will I get a third? I'm so young. but the older I get, the less options I have. isn't that true?

I will be ready by fall to see where my feelings are. right now I could get into something without much problem, but I can't really feel. so far it's all just pretending.
is emotion something to be picked up and found?
will I have to grow it all again?

status update:

Five months since he left me.
Two months since our last communication.

One minute since the last time I cried over him.
Nix that; cried over who he was when he loved me. That person is dead now. Dust. Whoever he is now, it's not the person that loved me.
I am not that person either.

I miss who we were when we were happy, but not so much that I would take back all the bad things. This realization is a step forward for me. He is dropping backwards into actual ex status. It feels good.
I am doing this on my own. I am doing this without relying on some romantic shit to get me through. I don't have a partner to cry to. I have my cat and my roommate and a couple friends I don't talk to about him.
or don't talk to much about him. Really. What more is there to say?

Love, lost, gone. What's done is done is done. What's gone is gone is gone.

it's a theme

found my charm today, the one that sits between my breasts and fills the hollow place he created when he left. today in psychology class we learned about the stages of grieving. I have gone through denial (feels like I'm still there), anger, bargaining. am I acceptance yet? I don't know. I hope I'm approaching it.
it still hurts. even with this barrier protecting my chest; it still hurts. all I do is keep it from spreading. keep it central to my sternum. keep it from seeping to my limbs and brain. it aches beneath the silver. I throb.
I mumble to myself. I say things that reassure at the time, but later I can't recall them.
carried luca to bed last night. she put her paws around me. I think what I like is her vulnerability, her total trust, her ability to forgive. when was the last time someone was vulnerable with me? when was the last time I was? I feel discarded and confused. I woke up one day to realize I was on a different street, in a different neighborhood, and everyone I knew was just slightly off.
everything that happens to me feels like a first. how can anyone get over this shit? why is it so hard? he isn't real anymore. he's my fiction. in my brain, I watch movies of his moves. I remember how he used to kiss me. I remember the way he would smell. he wasn't everything to me, but he was close. I needed him. part of me still does. I wonder if he ever needed me?

this could be the breaking point. I want to stabilize. if I make it through the next month without self-destructing then I think I can make it through another. if I live it like that, eventually I can finish the year. and when I do that, another. and this is how my life will be. it is one day to one week to one month to one year to one life lived without him.

I was lonely before he left me. I am lonely now that he is gone; there's just no ready distraction like there used to be. I was lonely then. I am lonely now. How does one cease this? how does one cure loneliness without dependence?

I have a secret.
I want someone to depend on. and I want someone to depend on me.
I want to feel special and singular again. I doubt myself constantly, no matter how self-assured I seem.
when they start treating me like everyone else, that's how I know things are over.
oh god.
I need someone to hold me.

home when it's not

doubled over. hurts less in a crouch. gut spilling nothing. I am a hollow world, outside with the people walking on my surface. inside more people roam, walking foot to foot with the others. magnets, shuffling feet. magnets, matching. polar opposites. caught in a loop with a person they cannot meet. I am a hollow world. there is nothing real inside of me.
ride with my head down, lights on, hand brakes, pedal pedal faster faster, switch gears, slow down, change lanes, stop. signal to turn with my right arm. signal with my left. on the sidewalk, leg over frame, on the ground with two more steps and I'm home. I am inside. but I will never meet the me that is not.
trying to analyze my feelings. luca reaches to me, puts her paws around my neck and purrs. I am petting her, stroking rhythmically, while she purrs against my chest. she licks my face, exfoliates my cheek. I miss my otter. I cry. luca doesn't care. my roommate doesn't notice. I am alone.
make the water hot, wash away this chill. the empty aching in my chest, just below my sternum. feels like a toothache, that pain that can't be explained. it's dull, constant, almost ignorable but not quite. I think, "I'm not missing a role in my life. I'm missing him." it's him. not the role of partner, it's him BEing my partner. I don't want someone else. why is it like this?
watch the stream cascade off my chin. feet. I say, "he's become an ideal. a fantasy. he isn't and never was the thing I desire. he doesn't exist." I feel better for a couple seconds.
empty empathy. unconscious conscience. where you do want me? I needed this. I needed to feel, but the bear likes me too much. I put his hands on my hips and he stopped me. I was cruel. I am unusual.
I don't know what I need. self-assurance. self-reliance. the ability to be happy with being alone. I want to cut into my chest and remove the dead parts. I want to let it all grow back again.
I want to have never met him.

the art of being buried alive

heart hurts today. got that tight aching. got that "missing him" feeling. got that loneliness.
didn't know a charm could work so well. didn't know til I lost it. I've been losing all kinds of things lately. losing, trying to replace, but it's never the same. oh no. even if it was identical, I'd know. I'd know.
said to my friend, "he won't heal til he deals with me. he just piles other things on top of me so that he can forget. but until he clears me out, he'll never be ok." and I predict his gf will get pregnant. and I predict that they will break up in several years. and I predict it will hurt me the entire time. and I don't want this to happen. I want us to be together again. still. after five months. after the pain, and the ostracization, and everything. I still love him so much and I still feel it ripping my heart with its barbed harpoon. he holds the rope, but he speared the wrong prize.
I am so lonely today.
I want to feel fine when I'm by myself. I want to relish the emptiness of my apartment, of my side, of the area around me. I want to gain strength from it. instead I feel like it's slowly sucking away my life. my heart vomits bile because there's nothing left within it to expel. I cry and my cat licks away my tears. I cry and she doesn't comprehend.

was buzzed last night, riding home. passed a party and saw his friends. stopped by. talked. said, "don't ever defend him when I am around. what he has done to me is inexcusable. no amount of dead brothers can explain this." I lay on my futon mattress, body heavy. wondered how the hell I got where I am. wondered where the hell the rest of me went.

this is a week of maybe-rain. what is constant in my life? school, work, luca. my cat is the only one I trust. would she stay if she had a choice? does she love me just because I'm there, or does she love me for how I treat her and who I am? does this apply to anyone? can this be everyone?

When we first met, he chased me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to find him. the greatest race. the epitomal tortoise and hare. but who's the tortoise? is it still a race when one person stops running?