still don't know, and what if I never do?

I've always had a problem with guilt. Feeling it, ascribing it, using it, having it used on me. It's always been important to me to figure out who is at fault for something. Or who is to be recognized for having done something. These are the foundations of the way I have lived my life.
It's bullshit.
When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter who did what, or when, or why. It's been done. All that's left is to catch up. All that's left is damage control.
It doesn't matter why my old friends won't talk to me. It doesn't matter why the people I love go away. It doesn't matter that I have been a tugboat to most of my ex-partners. It doesn't matter. It's done. It's over.
These are the things people keep trying to help me learn. Do you know how difficult it is to turn your entire life inside out? I am tired of saying violent things and acting in violent ways. I don't want to threaten anyone anymore. I didn't want to do it in the first place; I didn't even know I was..
I'm about to leave for a month. Did you know that every single thing I've done in the past year has been a struggle? Did you know that everything I've done has been to turn myself around?
I remember Pants saying that people don't change. It made me angry. I have changed. I have changed so much. Yeah, there are things that don't go away. But the me a year ago wouldn't recognize the me now.
I have trouble recognizing the me a year ago. I don't like to remember it. I don't want to remember the pain. The three months straight of crying myself to sleep. I don't want to remember any of it, but if I forget it then I'm bound to repeat it.
Tired of cycles.
Tired of blame, and guilt, and desired explanations.
Tired of wanting and needing apologies.
I really want to let go.
I just don't know how. I'm not even sure what it is I'm holding onto.