so what if I still miss you? someday it'll be you missing me.

I've got this

strange feeling

today.

It's a winter feeling, balled up and blossoming in my chest. I haven't been sleeping well (takes a long time to fall asleep, toss and turn, 5am wake up, sleep again for a few more hours). I've been trying to eat but sometimes it's hard to remember.
It's a lightness in my chest, like rising anxiety but the wrong emotion. I am making a genogram for a social work class. I am looking at connections. I am adding exes' new lovers. I am giving us broken lines to show the disconnect.
"So you were married?"
"Yeah."
"Me too. Married then divorced. Married then divorced. Married."
"So you're still married now?"
"Yeah, but it's heading the same way as the others."
Don't let that be me. I walked in the cold to get soup for a classmate. While I was out there I realized how much I've adored riding my bike these past two days. I love being bundled up and breathing out steam. My body functions better. My muscles aren't as tired. Why is this? I heave and heave and I thought I'd fall over from lack of oxygen but instead I pushed a little harder and made it to the top. I coasted down. I loved it.

So I missed some school last week. Today my professor responded to an email I sent: "As for "slipping through the cracks," I want to be sure you don't, so...stop it."
Stop it.
Don't you see, that's what I'm trying to do?
Writing down names of people I've never known; uncles and an aunt I've never met; entire families that I don't talk to anymore ... this is the feeling that wells up in my chest. Entire branches of my life have been broken off. Can they grow back?
My family unit now consists of me, one roommate, and our cat. I am content with that arrangement.

I don't think I need anyone else.