relearning what we taught ourselves; relearning what we'll soon forget

"so how do you feel about things now?"
"I just don't care."
"What do you mean?"
"There's nothing I can do to change the situation, so I just don't care. I stop caring."

Oh Anu, how easily you explain the way so many would like to be. How do you stop caring? I've never grasped that. I can't let go of anything, anyone, anytime. People suggest it as a course of action as though it were something I did on purpose.
I don't actually like being sad. I don't like aching. I don't like feeling guilty, or wrong, or mean, or angry. I don't really want to hurt people, it's just so hard not to when they have hurt me.
But I'm getting better. I'm not the person that I used to be. I can halt.
I pause.
That is an interesting buddhist concept. My favorites have been to imagine that, because of reincarnation, there is the possibility that you could have been anyone's mother or they could have been your's. Do you know how easily that diffuses things? Of course, it does depend on your mother ...
This other idea is that of pausing. When you are feeling a strong emotion, just pause. Reflect. Just a moment. But breaking the flow helps so much. Pause. Breathe. Regroup.
For some of us the stream is redirected for just a moment before the blockage sinks. I imagine a gutter over run by rain water. A stick becomes jammed in a drain and the water parts as it passes around it. The flow is redirected,but then the stick sinks down again, and the water goes where it wants. It is the space it's given. Water will fill anything. Water will go anywhere.

This is me, interrupting my process.
Pause.
I miss-
Pause.
-you.

Sometimes it's just enough to keep from going crazy.
Sometimes it's enough to keep the tears at bay.
Today I woke up and did not regret it. Today I woke up and felt that I had slept.