Wearing socks and shoes feels strange after a few days of only flip-flops. Went on a longish bike ride today with two of the interns. It was wonderful. It was what I needed.
I thought of Pants today when I was weeding. I think about him a lot; more than I'd like to admit. A song came on my ipod that seemed right: "conditional" by the Burden Brothers. "You know I love you even when you try to run away. But I don't want to chase you anymore. So if you have to go away then I won't make you stay. Just lie awake and listen for the door."
Ha, who could make Pants do anything? I couldn't even make him talk to me.
I realized that I would have done anything for him. All he ever had to do was ask me. He dominated me without even trying and I would gladly put myself under his thumb again. Is this an abusive relationship? I make excuses for his behavior and would willingly run back.
He is so strong on the outside. That's what makes his inner sensitivity even more attractive. I love him. What do I do?
Go to Florida. Work on the farm. Take a month away from things. I bet he doesn't even know I'm gone.
So what now?
I feel so different now than I did a year ago. The contrast is amazing to me. I know I'm stronger now but I would be dead if I hadn't become so.
I can have my life ripped away from me and still stagger around until the wound scabs and heals. I am all scar now. I am keloid. I am a caterpillar under your skin.
I realized some things today. Some things I've now forgotten. Hopefully they will come back to me. Hopefully they stayed somewhere inside.
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