Fairy tales were made for the same reason religions were: to explain away the shit that no one understands. They give false hope and describe some supreme ideal that is entirely unattainable. There is no heaven. There is no happily ever after.
Tell me stories about love that lasts. Tell me about implicit trust. Tell me about someone who doesn't leave. Someone that will fight for you.
I don't think these things exist. I used to. I feel like I have to keep destroying the strands of hope that appear because if I let them cling to one another then they'll only get bigger and stronger and tie me down to an imaginary future that I can never achieve.
I have been looking for magic. For instant sparks. I've been looking for answers. There aren't any. That implies there's a question. What's my question?
I'm not sick of Providence. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of being lonely. I don't even mean that I should date someone (not that I can find anyone anyway). I just don't understand why I am so lonely. I don't understand why other people's actions, or inaction, hurt me so much. How can I matter to anyone when they don't matter to me?
This has been a year of painful revelations. This has been one of the worst years of my life, and some of my years have really fucking sucked. I know I'll look back on it as a period of growth but I can't imagine that it will ever not hurt.
Growing pains, right? Fuck that.
When I came back from North Carolina this summer, it felt so good to be back in Providence. I was happy to do things by myself and to be alone. That sensation has disappeared. I don't know when it left. Perhaps it gradually drained away. Loneliness has a way of creeping up like that.
I am so embarrassed by my actions and reactions.
I never get used to it.
I will never proudly be crazy.
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