Let's string unrelated sentences together. Let's see who notices.
Two people texted me this morning saying, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" I missed class again. I stayed home to do art. I felt motivated. I went to my therapy appointment.
"Pants asked me to leave him alone." And then my therapist and I started yelling at each other.
This has never happened before, in the four years that I've been seeing her.
After a while it came out that she was trying to get me to see the patterns in my interactions with the people with whom I am romantically involved. I threaten them. I threatened Pants because he wasn't responding to me. "He didn't reply to your other emails. Wasn't that enough for you to realize he wanted you to leave him alone?" NO IT WAS NOT YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM
But when she pointed out my pattern, I began to cry at the truth of it. When she told me that I'd been withdrawing for the past six months, the tears dripped off my chin. When she said that I was distancing myself, I nodded. And when she mentioned my loneliness and the intensity it lays upon my interactions. When I came home and talked to my roommate in between sobs, she agreed. "Now that you mention it, I have noticed how uncomfortable you've been around crowds." Ok, it's not just the anxiety. It's the rejection.
And this is so hard to accept. This is all I ask for in my life; for people to be open and honest with me. This is what I need. This is what I love. But what do I do with the knowledge that I am so lonely that I've begun to cut myself off from the people around me? My loneliness keeps me lonely.
I'm leaving for a month soon. I'm escaping. What will happen?
How do I break patterns?
How do I fill myself, now that I know how empty I am?
Some days I'm amazed I manage to make it through to night. Some mornings I'm amazed I wake up at all.
Apparently I project a confidence that fools people into thinking I'm fun. Apparently I don't believe this about myself any more.
I have nothing to hold onto. No lovers, no partners, no best friends. Most of my oldest, closest friends are gone from me now.
I want to be content. Content without content; how original.
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