I can't believe I don't even know what love is anymore

"that's as single as it gets." Yeah. No sex, no dating. Not seeing anyone. At all.
I'm so tired of fucking just to feel close to someone. It feels good but afterwards I am empty. At the time it's wonderful and for a while after I may glow, but when I look back on it it's all empty. Except for when I think about Pants.
I love him. I must. If I didn't, I don't think I'd think about him the way that I do. I wouldn't miss him like this. Hell, I would not have needed to get rid of his phone number and leave facebook because I would not have cared enough. When Steel and I split, I didn't need to do any of that. I don't think I loved him much. Not like this. Not with this passion. Pants is different. And he's gone.
Soon I will be gone too.
I wrote him today. Four lines:

Thanks for the apology.
I deleted your number again.
Gonna respect your wishes.
take care.

Now every time I get a new email I think it could be from him. What's at the heart of things here? Does it matter? I don't know.
"I've been so despondent. This past year has been hell."
I bet ex-otter thinks I'm doing fine. I hate him for this hurt I still feel. I hate myself for feeling it. And I hate layering emotion on top of emotion; person on person; love on love. It's never simple. It's never just one person. I'm never ok with being alone.
I'm so tired today.
At night I hold my heating pad and think of Pants' bed.
At night I rub my head into the pillows and think of Pants' back to me.
I don't cry anymore, though. Not to sleep. Not in bed.
But I dream about him.
I don't know how the fuck this happened. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I belong. I never have. Now it's just harder because I'm alone.

Please come back.
Please come to me, and be with me, and be there.

Wishful thinking.
I am so scared to hope for anything.