feels like I've not left the house or done anything fun for more than an hour in the past two weeks.
feels like I'm letting people down.
feels like I'm missing someone.
Today I felt afraid of death. I kept my head above water. Today I finished a sculpture that would nicely complement the paintings I used to make (me ripping out my own heart, etc). Today I realized that I've trashed the entire apartment in one way or another. Today I realized I have my work cut out for me. I canceled a date I wasn't excited about anyway. I thought about Pants. I cried. I wanted to cry more but couldn't figure out how to start.
Steel drove me to an art store today. He's so fucking hard-headed. He won't listen to anything anyone tells him; especially me. I want to fuck him. I want him to shut the hell up. Neither of these things are going to happen.
Today I realized I'm not sure how long it's been since I had sex or who the last person was. I'm glad. It's about time.
I still want him, you know. Pants. I still get the urge to send him pictures of the things I make. He never responded to them. I think I just want someone to share in my accomplishments. Someone of whom I can be proud. Someone to share my life; to let me share their's. That wasn't Pants. Don't think it could ever be him.
can't
wait
to leave.
I can't wait to be away. Absence. Goodbye.
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