don't forget. let's never forget.

I need a new nickname for a person I met. For people I have met.
This farm.
Let's call him Nist.
Nist is wwoofing on another farm in FL. His boss comes to our farm a lot, so Nist has been to our farm a lot. So I started inviting him along to things I was doing. This is what I have found out: He is--
-a leo
-left-handed
-vegetarian
-rides bicycles
-non-smoker
-hilarious
-adventurous

Yesterday he came over to the farm just as I was getting ready to leave to find a beach. So we hung out for a bit, then gathered our bikes for an adventure. His bike had problems so he borrowed one of the farm ones. Its brakes were messed up and I messed them up more trying to fix them (but now I know what needs to be done so I think I could fix them for real!). We went to his farm and had a huge lunch/dinner thing with his boss and some of his friends. It was great. Later, Nist told me that I "handle him a lot better than I do." Which was pretty cool, I think.
We went to a park neither of us had visited, jumped some fences and made it onto a beach. We went swimming. We went places we weren't supposed to go. We psyched each other out like we were going to get caught. We made fun of each other. We talked.
I told him about Dru and ex-otter, because he asked why this past year had been so bad. When do I get to stop bringing them up? 2010, maybe?
We went back to his farm and ate corn on the cob and sorbet. His boss's friend set off a lot of fireworks which we watched and tried to capture via photography. We both tried to play digiridoo, which did not go well. Then I rode home in the dark which is a thing that is not done in Homestead FL.
When I got home, I called him to say I was not dead. He laughed.

It was the best Christmas I've had in a very long time.
But here's the thing: as much as it sounds like we have fun, he doesn't seem interested in me. I got horribly jealous on Christmas eve because a girl from another farm kept getting in between Nist and I. Physically and intentionally. I tried to explain things to him, but he feigned ignorance. Are boys really that stupid? Are they really that unobservant? I recall Pants. He wasn't. I know he wasn't. In fact, I'm pretty sure he noticed everything. Maybe more than was good for him.
I have a lot of fun with Nist and that's worth it. I started wondering if I'm really attracted to anyone right now anyway. He is attractive and he fits my little cookie cutter. I've lost my passionate adoration for people, though. I remember feeling unable to keep myself from someone. I guess the last time I felt that was with ex-otter. Maybe with Saw. That started long before we ever met, though. Three years.
So have I moved from feeling to logic in the people I want to love? Am I pretending to feel things that have no roots in my heart? I suspect that there is still very little that can penetrate to my center. Maybe that's why it's been so hard to let go of Pants. I let him in enough to feel when he went away.