I ran out of one of my medications. I went to get it refilled yesterday and found out that I'd maxed out my insurance. Again. So my $15 med jumped to $300. I cried.
A guy that has been jerking me around finally said he's seeing someone else and does that make him terrible? "You're an asshole," I replied. "Don't contact me again."
I miss Pants. I went to take his wheel back to him today. Initially I was planning on taking it into his work. I went to the tea place across from his work and sipped on peppermint yerba mate. I was there for an hour before I could decide what to do. I tied the wheel to his bike. I walked past the entrance to his work and couldn't bring myself to enter. So I left and visited a friend instead, which is where I've been now for over four hours. So I hope Pants isn't mad that I tied a wheel to his bike frame. I don't know how I feel right now. I want to die.
I've berated friends lately, and lost people that I cared about, and haven't been able to sleep but then I sleep too much. I've cried every day. I know this isn't just one thing. I know it's the stress of pre-finals, and working longer, and more papers, and feeling fucking useless, and feeling like there's something wrong with me, and getting tired of the way people look at me, of being scared, of being tired, of everything and everything and who the fuck do I talk to about it?
I wanted that person to be Pants. I can't stop myself from wanting. I can't make the logic stick.
Is this over? Are things over? Pants, are we over?
Someone in Providence has been reading this site and I don't know who it is.
Speak up.
You never know how much time you have left. That's what I keep trying to explain to people. Why don't they ever believe me?
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